Defusing His (or Her) Defensiveness

A common discussion in marriage counseling goes something like this,

“When he hurts my feelings, often without meaning to do so, I want to talk about it. But as soon as I bring it up, his face completely changes. He gets this look that says, ‘Here we go again.’ Then when I try to talk about what he did, he gets really defensive or shuts down. It never ends well. So, I hold things in as long as I can, till it eventually must come out. Then it gets ugly.”

As we dive into the conversations between husband and wife, we consistently find the same opening word – “You.” Few words will trigger defensive responses like the word, “you” at the beginning of a sentence. The listener knows that what is about to follow is feedback on him and/or his behavior, and one’s tone, volume, body position, and facial expression says, “This is not going to be positive.” His amygdala takes control from his prefrontal cortex, and his face, breathing, heart, and mind prepare to fight, freeze, or flee.

Unfortunately, this defensive reaction tends to be much more obvious than the trigger. This leaves the wife frustrated by what she perceives as unwarranted defensiveness and the husband oblivious to