Expectations: Again?
When Expectations Go Wrong
I recently posted on expectations and how they get a bad rap. (For more insight scroll the archives and read Expectations.)
In marital counseling, unhealthy expectations are a common source of disappointment, bitterness, and deep resentment. If expectations are unhealthy, they can gut marriage like a fish.
To facilitate, I’ll repost the attributes of unhealthy expectations:
Unmet
Unrealistic
Unfair
Unclear (not communicated)
Inflexible (rigid)
Not Shared (one-sided)
In Great Marriage, we encourage you to read through the list carefully, prayerfully. Be honest about the expectations in your marriage and how they are shaping your interactions. Have candid discussions about the how, when, and what of change.
When it comes to expectations, be reliable. Meet them. If you take on a responsibility, be responsible.
If an expectation is unrealistic, discuss it. Reform it. Avoid the mistake of trying to succeed at something that is set up for failure. And consider the variable of age as that affects expectations.
Be fair. I know someone reading is rolling their eyes with a life is not fair perspective. Okay, I can give you that, but marriage should embody a sense of fairness. A sense of mutual support, teamwork and respect.
Your spouse cannot read your mind. (Read that one again) If you fail to communicate an expectation it can be hard to meet. This is not groundbreaking news, yet mind reading is the most common mistake we see in expectations.
Rigid expectations need to be handled with wisdom and Christlike care. There is a place and time for flexibility or not. Avoid controlling behavior or a lack of empathy.
Expectations are shared. Each person is involved, invested in the marriage 100%. The execution of things like folding laundry and washing the dog may not be 50/50, but expectations should not be a solo experience.
The results of unhealthy expectations are varied. Yet, my experience in marital work has taught me that unhappiness is the short-term result and bitterness and deep resentment are the long- term strongholds that build over time.
In Great Marriage, talk openly about your expectations. Revisit them as needed. Catch problem areas early before they go wrong. Don’t wait until your love story has been gutted like a fish to get the help you need.
Blessings,
Jo