Image the foundation of your house is cracked beneath your bedroom. You’re unaware of the crack in the foundation. But as your home settles, the sheetrock on the ceiling and a wall of your bedroom begin to crack. Eventually the window begins to leak. You order a new window and purchase the supplies to repair the wall and ceiling. Then spend a Saturday making the repairs. But since you’re unaware of the crack in the foundation, you only address the obvious issues – wall, ceiling, and window.
A few months later, the wall and ceiling are cracking, and the new window is leaking. In frustration, you purchase a window and the supplies again, set aside a second Saturday, and do the repairs, again, ignoring the crack in the foundation. Soon the wall and ceiling are cracking again, and the window is leaking. Facing the same issues a third time, are you more or less frustrated? If this cycle continues, you’ll move from stress to frustration to anger to hopelessness.
Many couples sit on the couch in our counseling office describing a similar cycle in their marriage. The same conflicts keep resurfacing, and while they seem as superficial as cracks in the sheetrock, the couples cannot seem to find sustainable solutions. The inability to solve what is often a growing number of conflicts, and the tendency to emotionally connect each new conflict to previous conflicts leaves the couples stressed, frustrated, angry, and eventually hopeless. Most of these couples have underlining foundational issues that are perpetuating these conflicts just as a cracked foundation perpetuates the issues with the wall, ceiling, and window.
Let’s look at how to repair one of the most common foundational cracks we address in helping couples build great marriages:
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