What Most Couples Don't Know About Money
until it's too late
I don’t think it will surprise anyone to read that money is among the most common sources of marital conflict. In our counseling office, we have guided countless couples through the process of reconciling conflicts over broken trust, spending, saving, and budgeting. You might guess that those issues would be solved if the couples just had more money. If so, you’d be wrong.
While a scarcity or lack of money can certainly cause marital conflict, there’s another significant money issue that often arises in marriage.
It’s an issue the financial professionals don’t discuss. It’s seldom, if ever, addressed in the popular financial ministry videos, podcasts, and courses. Financial coaches often miss it. Bankers and brokers are oblivious.
This issue most often arises and creates a vicious relationally destructive habit long before the couple realizes it’s problematic. In fact, at least one partner typically perceives this issue as a solution while it’s destroying their marriage.
To understand this issue, one must understand what money represents to married couples. Money represents options. A little money represents few options. More money gives a couple more options. An abundance of money gives a couple many options.
And options call for discipline.
Consider a scale representing your perceived level of financial wealth:
Scarcity_______________________Abundance
The closer a couple is to either end of the scale, the more discipline is required. If a couple has little money, a single bad decision can cause significant consequences. However, the more money a couple has, the more likely they will continuously choose comfortable options over hard discussions and conflict resolution.
Every marriage has conflict. A relationship without conflict is a shallow relationship. Great Marriages are not without conflict. What makes a marriage great is the couple’s willingness to address difficult situations and their commitment to resolve whatever conflicts arise.
When a couple has an abundance of money, it’s easy to leave home, go to your second home, go shopping/dining/hunting/fishing, take a trip… to avoid the hard work of resolution. In the moment, it feels like you avoided an argument. You eventually return home and pretend the conflict never happened. But make such behavior a habit and you create a backlog of unresolved conflict along with all the resentment, insecurity, mistrust, blame, shame, and fear that follows.
If you’re using money to avoid resolving conflict, you’re destroying your marriage. You chose your spouse. You vowed to love, encourage, and support your spouse. If it was easier when you were broke, it’s most likely because you’ve chosen other options over the hard work of building a Great Marriage. Just stop. Lean in. If you’ve been at it a while, change may feel awkward. But again, you chose this marriage. Prioritize. Honor your commitment. Conflict is normal. Running from it is not. If needed, get help. Your marriage is worth it.
Great Marriages are built with great habits. Great habits are developed the same way bad habits are developed – through consistent repetition. The more conflicts you resolve, the easier conflict resolution gets. But you must start. Why not start today?